


SMH is Not Prepared

by Jacqueemackee



Series: Checklets [1]
Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Bitty marks up Jack, Canon Compliant, Chirping, Fluff, Hockey shit with Ransom and Holster, Jack marks up Bitty, M/M, Rans Holster and Lardo have a plan, SMH finds out, SMH is not prepared, Tater is concerned, endless chirping, it goes astray, they try to be chill
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-31
Updated: 2018-03-31
Packaged: 2019-04-16 02:52:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,850
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14155065
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jacqueemackee/pseuds/Jacqueemackee
Summary: While Jack naps and Bitty bakes muffins, the executive management echelons of Samwell Men’s Hockey (i.e. Ransom, Holster, and Lardo) have a special strategy session in the attic. Except… things don’t quite turn out the way they imagined. A gift for Julibean19 because I adored "You're My Amen" and I couldn't help wondering what would happen if a bit of her really intense!Bitty that is sometimes (consensually) rough with Jack showed up in the canonverse.Set immediately after http://checkpleasecomic.com/comic/03-12-01 (Bitty and I)





	SMH is Not Prepared

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Julibean19](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Julibean19/gifts).



“Dude.”  
“Bro.”  
“Brah.”  
“Rocklord.”  
“Bitty.”  
“Wheeling.”  
“Each other.”  
“S’wawesome.”  
“Rad.”  
“But, also serious.”  
“Yeah. We gotta look out for them.”  
“Totes.”  
“I mean-“  
“-we’re the captains.”  
“And the manager.”  
“We’ve gotta have their back.”  
“Chyeah.”  
“Let’s do this.”

Operation Jackbits goes into effect that evening with a mandatory team meeting at the Haus to premiere a new episode of Hockey Shit W/Ransom & Holster: Privacy. Lardo takes Bitty out for froyo while Ransom and Holster explain that Jack’s feeling a bit nostalgic for SMH and is going to be visiting and at the Haus more often ever and that it’s important to be cool, guys, be totally chill. They lay out new rules for teammates and social media, complete silence about Jack’s visits unless Jack or Bitty explicitly share something publicly first, any pictures must be taken on Jack or Bitty’s phone and then e-mailed out later to the proper recipients, and absolutely no spilling about anything Jack’s been up to. In exchange, they get to hang out with the NHL’s newest star and he’ll give them special tips on watching tape and improving their game. Violators will be banned from Bitty’s pie and brunches until restitution has been made. The tadpoles look like they might want to question this level of paranoia but Dex, Chowder, & Nursey (who were told the real news earlier in the afternoon) are taking this so seriously with fierce, intense expressions that they stay quiet and nod solemnly. At the end, Ransom & Holster off-handedly mention that they want the same courtesy extended to any speculation about Bitty’s personal life and sexuality as well, because his mama loves following hockey news and gossip but Bitty isn’t out to her yet. The team knew that already, but a reminder doesn’t hurt.  
The next morning Lardo has a private meeting with Hall and Murray to inform them that A) Jack and Bitty are secretly dating, B) it looks likely that Bitty will get the C next year, and C) they need to have some serious talks about media access and strategy. The coaches raise an eyebrow and manage to contain their reaction until after the meeting is over but Lardo swears she hears them high-five and say, “Way to go, Zimmermann!” as she walks down the hall afterwards.

Ransom, Holster, and Lardo remain on high alert for several weeks but it slowly begins to feel like the situation is handled. Jack and Bitty were already handling things as secretly as possible and when pictures do leak of Jack’s increased presence at Samwell home games, it’s easily dismissed as a combination of nostalgia or continued support for his old team. There’s some announcer jokes about Zimmermann teaching the team secret NHL plays on the sly but nothing to attract much notice. The Swallow finds itself mysteriously blocked from getting through to Jack for an interview and even when there’s after-game kegsters, Jack never shows up in any of the pictures.

The trio starts to relax. All that’s left now is the chirping. Bitty steadfastly refuses to give deets but his blushes are just too adorable and they all know to back off when he starts threatening their pie supply. They want him to feel normal and relentless teasing about his first boyfriend is definitely a part of that. Right now they’re gearing up for Bitty’s return. Samwell had a home game Friday and then Bitty left first thing Saturday morning to scamper off to Jack’s afternoon home game and enjoy a weekend together. The Falcs’ skate Monday morning was optional, so Jack is planning to drop Bitty off in time for his morning class. No one on the team will even see Bitty until afternoon practice.

“So.”  
“Bits.”  
“Weekend at Jack’s place.”  
“Bow-chicka-wow-wow.”  
“Jack had a rough game, though.”  
“Yeah, man, that was intense.”  
“So it was probably more of the TLC, breakfast-in-bed variety.”  
“We wouldn’t have to wonder, if Bits would just spill some deets already.”  
“Ooooh, I bet he has a hickey.”  
“Chyeah, right, he’s never come back from his little trips with a hickey before.”  
“Yeah, but he was hiding it before. Jack knew he couldn’t leave proof.”  
“Bet he totally leaves a mark this time.”  
“Nah. Doesn’t seem Jack’s style. He’s too low-key and obsessed with his privacy.”  
“Still waters run deep, though, brah. Bet he’s just been dying to mark Bitty up.”  
“I’ll take that bet. Ten says no mark.”  
“Ten says at least one. A token gesture, if you will. You want in on this, Lardo?”  
“Guys, betting on your former captain’s sex life? Bros.”  
“Yeah, you’re right.”  
“Sorry, Lards.”  
“Apology accepted. Put me down for ten dollars, 2 hickies, and something on Bits’ hip or back.”  
“Wha….? Never. No way you’re winning that.”  
“You’re on. Classy Jack, don’t fail me now.”

They’re ready for this. They’re prepared. They have Jack’s back, and Bitty’s, and they’re going to be here for their bros but also chirp them to death. Totally clutch.

Ransom and Holster are panting and exhausted after practice, suicide drills at the very end draining the last of their strength. The coaches always run them hard after having 2 full days off. They’d almost forgotten about their bet when they hear a sudden cry from Chowder, “Bitty!!! Are you okay??? What happened to you??? Weren’t you- oh! OH!! I’m so sorry!!! I didn’t mean to say anything! Never mind!!!” Then again, louder, to the rest of the team. “Ignore me, guys!! Nothing to see here!!!!”

“Wha-“  
“Bits-“  
_““The bet.””_

They look over. Bitty is in front of his stall, dripping after a shower, cherry-print boxer briefs already on. He’d been drying off his hair but had hurriedly dropped his towel back around his shoulders and over his chest at Chowder’s outburst. “Nothing to see here, y’all,” he drawls. “Chowder, sweetheart, you need to shush.”

Ransom and Holster exchange grins as they saunter over, half-dressed.

“Now, now, Bitty B-“  
“Precious Bits.”  
“Man of the hour.”  
“There’s no hiding your shenanigans from this weekend.”  
“Stand up and take your chirping with pride.”

Bitty turns to face them, face red but defiant, arms crossed over his chest and fingers clenching the edges of the towel. It doesn’t quite meet in the middle, though, and there on the inner curve of one pec is a small and tender-looking red mark.

“Here, Bits-“  
“Let us take care of your towel for you.”  
“Don’t want to interfere with you getting dressed.”  
“There’s nothing to be ashamed of. We’re all bros here. We know how things get in the heat of the moment.”

Bitty tips his head back to glare them right in the eyes and looks ready to deliver a scathing chirp but the angle only brings to light a larger mark, this one purple in the middle, resting at the side of his neck and just barely low enough to be hidden by one of the collared shirts that Bitty is so fond of. Jack, apparently, has careful aim.

Ransom just gapes but Holster suddenly darts in to snatch the towel from around Bitty’s shoulders and dance back, holding it up and out of reach. Bitty vaults his bench and takes a flying leap to grab it back before spinning around and stomping back to his stall amid laughter and calls of, “Get it, Bitty!” Ransom only nudges Holster and gestures to the faint parallel lines going down Bitty’s back.

“Daaaaamn.”  
“Intense Lover Boy- and Lardo- win the day.”

By the time they’ve squared up with their smug manager, Bitty is immaculately attired once again, hair in place, shirt fastened one button higher than usual, but looking as sweet and pure as ever. Until, that is, he lifts his nose in the air and informs the team at large that dinner that night will feature all of Holster and Ransom’s least favorite vegetables.

But okay, they’ve got this. Maybe it was just a one-time thing. Operation Jackbits is still in effect and they still have their boys’ backs. Things will calm down eventually. Once the novelty of marking him up wears off, Bitty’s skin will probably go back to looking normal after his visits to Jack’s, right? And if not, well, they won’t bring it up in the locker room again, but they’ve got a whole new set of chirps prepared.

Time goes on, but the after-Jack marks don’t stop showing up. Out of solidarity, Farmer starts deliberately leaving more and bigger marks on Chowder every time she knows that Bitty is sneaking in a visit to Providence (or smuggling Jack in for a mid-week overnight) to distract the rest of the guys in the locker room. Bitty's stay small, never more than 2 or 3 at a time, and it just becomes standard.

Until, that is, 3 months go by, Samwell is gearing up for the playoffs, tensions are running high, and the coaches get wind that Jack will be driving up to drop Bitty off after a weekend visit. Since Jack is again skipping optional skate that day, Hall and Murray call him up Monday morning and persuade him to bring up his skates and practice gear to run some drills with the boys and give them some skill demonstrations. He’d done this before, shortly after Jack and Bitty came out to the Samwell team, but before Bitty started being introduced to Falconers as Jack’s boyfriend. This time around, though, he seems strangely reluctant and only agrees after the coaches promise to let him demonstrate passing drills with Bittle and some of the plays that rely on Bitty’s high speeds and can only rarely be replicated with a slower skater.

After practice, Jack manages to slip into the shower while everyone else is still busy taking their pads off and lingers in a corner stall as long as possible. But when he comes out, the Haus residents are still there, making plans for an Annie’s trip that has nothing to do with coffee and everything to do with letting Jack and Bitty have the Haus to themselves for an hour before the frogs start arriving for dinner. Bitty is fully dressed and waiting by the door but his eyes widen and he visibly braces himself when he sees Jack come out of the shower, an extra towel around his shoulders and chest in addition to the typical one slung around his waist.

Ransom takes in the second towel and nudges Holster; Holster puts his glasses on and squints, then nudges back. Now they can both see the marks peeking up from the towel’s edge and climbing up Jack’s neck. Jack looks suddenly apprehensive and turns to Bitty. “Alright there, Bittle?”

Bitty shrugs, faux-casual, and when he responds he’s clearly trying to keep his voice steady. “It’s not as if you can skip getting dressed.”

“Right.” Jack cautiously eyes the remaining team members as they finish getting dressed and the Haus residents studiously pretend to ignore him as he makes his way to a spare stall and reaches for his clothes. There’s a sound that may be a muffled squeak from Chowder as Jack tugs the towel from around his shoulders to finish drying his hair, exposing a sizable bite mark on his right shoulder blade, but the guys valiantly keep up their conversation until the other towel drops, revealing an identical mark on Jack’s left ass cheek.

“Holy shi-“ coughs Dex before a smack from Nursey cuts him off.  
“Dude. _Not_ chill, bro.”  
“But how are we supposed to ignore-?”

Jack whirls around, boxers in one hand, towel clenched in front of him with the other. “Is there a problem, Dex?” he says quietly.

And Ransom and Holster lose it.

Because Jack’s front is _covered._ There’s a hickey on each side of his neck, one on his right shoulder, another on his left collarbone, two over his heart, a third larger one on his right pec, one on his abs, and an angry-looking welt on each hip, one on the side, one so far in it’s nearly to his thigh. There’s nail marks on his hip, too, the curved crescents clearly indicating that the grip was administered from behind.

“Bitty?”  
“Bitty!”  
“Bits! You sly dog!!”  
“What have you been doing to our poor former captain?”  
“And how many times?”  
“I’m surprised Bits can still walk!”  
“I’m surprised _Jack_ can still walk with the way our itty Bits has been treating him!”  
“Does it hurt to sit down? That bite looks wicked.”  
“Bitty bro, how could you abuse our poor former captain this way?”  
“Jack, you know you don’t have to consent to anything you don’t want to do.”  
“You can tell us, dude, did Bitty pressure you? Do you feel unsafe in your relationship?”  
“Yeah, bro, do you fear for your pale, Canadian skin?”  
“Do we high-five Bitty? Or take him out back for a shovel talk.”  
“Bro, I can’t decide.”

Bitty has his hands clamped over his ears and is loudly singing, “Flawless” to drown them out. Jack looks flushed but smirks a little as he turns his back and finishes getting dressed.

“Bro-“  
“Dude-“  
“I don’t think my delicate hockey heart can handle this information.”  
“Same, dude. My world has been well and thoroughly rocked.”  
“Oh wait-“  
“We gotta tell-“  
_“”Lardo.””_

“She’s gonna flip.”  
“Totally.”  
“And he’s dishing this out behind our back.”  
“This whole time we’ve been looking out for Bits.”  
“Dude’s got layers.”  
“Hey, you’d kick it up to eleven if you only got some every couple a weeks, too.”  
“Cock-blocked by the NHL and their grueling travel schedule.”

Chowder, Dex, and Nurse are varying shades of red but attempting to look chill as they finish up and head out the door, giving Jack some privacy. Ransom and Holster exit, too, with one last look at the marks on Jack’s pale skin, now rapidly disappearing under his clothes, except for the two on his neck which still show, blatant and proud.

“But last time Jack came to Faber-“  
“They hadn’t told the Falconers yet.”  
“So Bitty was still keeping it on the DL. But now....”  
“Which means-“  
“-that Jack-  
“-shows up in NHL locker rooms-“  
“-looking like this.”  
“Dude.”  
“Bro.”  
“That takes stones.”  
“Serious ones.”  
“Serious cajones.”  
“And Bitty-“  
“-leaves the marks-“  
“-knowing the entire Falconers team is going to see them.”  
“DUDE.”  
“BRO.”  
“It’s like we don’t even know him.”  
“Our favorite frog, all grown up and desecrating the Falcs’ lead scorer and alternate captain.”

“Lardo!”  
“Lards.”  
“We have to tell you-“  
“We just found out-“  
“What, that Bitty’s been using Jack as his own personal canvas? Chyeah, I know.”  
“But-“  
“How-?”

Lardo pulls out her phone and shows them a string of texts from Alexei Mashkov, at least one for nearly every visit Bitty’s had in Providence since Jack came out to the Falcs and introduced Bitty at family skate.

 _-Larissa Duan. Did itty baker visit Jack this weekend? Zimmboni has mark on chest and we must know if should congratulate or kick his behind._  
_-Ok, mark from baker. Zimmboni share muffins and is blushing very hard._  
_-Larissa Duan. Many marks this time. Is B okay? Is not good to keep feelings inside and then savage boyfriend. Tell B thank you for pies. Blueberry my favorite.))))))_  
_-Larissa Duan! Zimmboni look like he was attacked by small, angry bear. Is this normal when 2 boys? Is Jack OK? He just turn red and not answer questions. Guys chirp him so hard.)))_  
_-I tell Jack tell itty B if he wants marks to stop. It OK to say it too much. Jack shakes head and smiles. Jack likes team knowing he has special someone._  
_-Larissa! Tell bitty bear no marks this time. Publicity shots next week. Jack must be pretty)))_

“What?”  
“You-?”  
“How?”  
“-get texts from _Mashkov??”_  
“Ch’yeah. I went up with Bitty to a home game last fall then spent the weekend in Boston while Bitty “hung out” and Tater tagged along when we went out after the game. Got schwasted, traded digits. He wanted to hear embarrassing Jack stories.”  
“And you never _told_ us? Dude, I feel so betrayed.”  
“Dude.”  
“This whole time you could have been getting the Mashkov deets.”  
“Who’s to say I didn’t? I just showed you the Bitty texts.”  
“Dude.”  
“Bro.”  
“Brah.”  
“Wait- where’s Bitty?”  
“And shouldn’t Jack be dressed by now?”  
“Do you think-“  
“-the locker room?”  
“After all the trouble we went to so they could have an empty Haus?”  
“Bitty’s probably just embarrassed and Jack’s calming him down.”  
“You think?”  
“I hope. It’s the locker room. That place reeks.”  
"Still."  
"Yeah."  
"You never know."  
"Apparently Bits is kinky as shit."  
“Just in case, I’m heading out before I hear anything. Later, losers.”  
“Later, Lards.”  
“Yeah, we should head out, too. I just….”  
“-don’t wanna know. Yeah, I hear you, dude.”

The Haus residents (minus Bitty) are all uncharacteristically quiet at Annie’s but they do manage to put together some addendums to the new privacy rules to be implemented at the next team meeting.

Their fundamentally altered view of Bitty’s sunshine face and angelic smile, however, will take a little more adjustment.

**Author's Note:**

> Working on the last chapter of "Curious Bitty" but it'll be long and intense and I needed some light-hearted fluff. I have about 5 other short fic ideas that I want to move from my head to the keyboard soon, though, so I decided to start up a series.


End file.
